feeling down

2 Feb

i feel really down.
its been 3 months and there is still no reply. i wait in vain for any mails, any at all, to come bearing the school’s crest.
i mean, if they are kind enough, they would have set an appointment or at least give me an early acceptance. but nothing. and i blame myself for not trying harder, not achieving better grades, not aiming high enough. i just plainly hardworking. i’m not smart.

i’m stupid for not knowing that my grades will never make it and i can only pray that someone on the board would be so kind to let a fellow singaporean enter.  i don’t even mind going for an interview. i just want a chance. god dammit i hate this country for bringing in foreigners. you don’t give us that opportunity to learn and we want to learn. feed your own kids before feeding other kids. and yet, there you are, blabbering about unity and loyalty.

i almost entered an australian university here but someone who knows me, inside out, stated that i wouldn’t be happy. he’s right. as stubborn as i am to accept this fact, he was right. i wanted a school. not an extended arm of self-pity for myself.

you don’t see this side of me because i want to be tough against the world. i want to be that person that can provide reassurance to others even though i can’t do it to myself. every night i pray that a letter would come for me, just for me. wishful thinking, i know.

there is only so much that can be said and done on paper. i just hope someone out there would give me that chance.

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