smokescreen

14 Oct

you don’t know me well. you don’t know me well enough.
to not understand the sadness behind the smile.
the eyes glistening with tears yet to fall.
the empty promises you had made.
only left more sorrow to the heart.

you don’t know how i dissect everything that has been said.
words broken up, pieces put back together.
you don’t know the sacrifices i have made.
the time and money lost.
none could ever regain back.

i am losing the will to fight.
is that not scary to you?
i want to stop caring.
i want to stop wanting things for you.
i want to stop making things better for you.
i want to stop changing things.
because it changes me.

it changes me to become a horrible monster.
it depresses me.
i like waking up early to texts, the rain pattering on the window.
knowing i have to do a task for the day.
or even knowing i could put them away and cycle or swim.

you said you were selfish.
i want to be selfish too.
i want to do summer study programmes.
i want to indulge in culture.

but foremost, i am halfway earning my independence.
have you?
i fought for mine.
did you?
i am not losing mine because i am not a coward.
are you?

that night, i stood up for my own belief.
with that, i may have earned a winch of my dad’s respect.
i lost it, a few years back due to a teenager’s mistake.

but i want to earn it with an adult’s wisdom,
a child’s innocence and a teenager’s tenacious streak.

fight for me as i have fought for you.
don’t think of it as winning the battle.
but the journey towards it is what matters most.

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